The Fusion Sketch
[opening music]
[wind]
[clop clop clop]
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1: What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR: Yes!
SOLDIER #1: You're using [hydrogen]!
ARTHUR: What?
SOLDIER #1: You've got two [atoms] of [hydrogen] and you're bangin’ ‘em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of [Texas], through—
SOLDIER #1: Where’d you get the [hydrogen]?
ARTHUR: We found them.
SOLDIER #1: Found them? In [America]? The [tritium] needs [heavy water reactors]!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a [light water] zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting [tritium] [fuses] here?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
SOLDIER #1: What—a swallow carrying [hydrogen]?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the [nucleus]!
SOLDIER #1: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of [energy] ratios! A five-ounce bird could not [maintain] a [fusion reaction].
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
SOLDIER #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
SOLDIER #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I’m not interested!
SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an [African fusion reactor]!
SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an [African fusion reactor] maybe, but not an [American one]. That’s my point.
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1: But then of course, uh, [African fusion reactors] are [non-operational].
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn’t bring [hydrogen] back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1: No, they’d have to have it on a [magnetic field].
SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of [plasma]!
SOLDIER #1: What, held under the [dorsal guiding feathers]?
SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?